Should I spill? As I approach the last bit of closure in the spreading of ashes, I believe I am angry. I know this emotion is okay, however, my thoughts have not been as generous as they could or should be towards others and myself. I know this is a part of the process. Is it wrong to want to lash out to hurt others (who are hurting just as much as I am). Can I formulate and articulate my feelings in a way that will give value instead of pain? This is not easy for any of us. This is not how it was supposed to be and yet, here we are…spreading ashes.
My problem is no one is to blame in this situation. Choices were made and we who are left behind need to accept those choices. The reality is those very choices can not be changed.
My opinion or emotional spewing will not bring her back. Even as I think upon it, I would not want her to come back to a life of pain and sorrow. I know she is in a better place. The questions come. Did I do enough? Could I have……??? Should I have….? Why didn’t I? My desires were not fully realized for her.
We will celebrate her on her birthday this weekend. Presently, I am allowing myself the emotion of hurt and anger. I allow the thoughts to roam and be captured before they escape my lips. God’s word says to be angry and sin not. I am angry, but I do not want sin to rule my heart. So, I give my thoughts to Him. He understands loss even as we celebrate the birth of His Son, Jesus.
When we are together I don’t want to say or do anything to dishonor the one we are celebrating. We will gather one last time with this loved one in a final “earthly” goodbye, but not forgotten. We will move on….albeit to quickly to new adventures with a slight hole in our hearts.
My rant is over, I think.
cathemyers 